


(barely) coping

by imposterhuman



Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Fluff, M/M, angsty as all hell, he is good w grief, highkey foodfights, hmm i wONDER WHY, kit and ty are too good, kit is so sweet, kit is wise, lowkey food fights, pancakes and tears, sad lil ty, this is a mess, who am I kidding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 17:10:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11406852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imposterhuman/pseuds/imposterhuman
Summary: Set post LoS (MAJOR SPOILERS), how Ty is coping with Livvy's death and how Kit is doing his best to help.





	(barely) coping

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic for this fandom, so tell me how it worked out!

Ty’s head was spinning. He couldn’t breathe. 

_ This can’t be happening, no, NO, it can’t, this isn’t  _ real,  _ this can't be real, please, no,  _ his mind whirred. All he could think about was the expression on Livvy’s face, how her hair was spread out behind her, and the gaping wound where her heart was. Where her heart used to beat, so  _ alive _ , but now lay dormant in her unmoving chest.

In his nightmare, Livvy got up. She walked towards him on shaking, bloody legs. She hugged him close.

She whispered, “It’s all your fault,” Then she fell back to the ground, dead. And Ty wished he could die, too.

He couldn’t look at his family. Julian was  _ too _ restrained, his smiles a bit  _ too  _ wide, holding in all of his grief until he would inevitably explode ( _ Or implode,  _ Ty mused.  _ Because all he does is keep things hidden inside _ ). When Dru wasn’t hidden away, crying, she looked at Ty with so much pity that Ty couldn’t stand it. Mark, having missed so much of Livvy’s life, couldn’t fathom not having another day with her. Mark moped around all day, taking all of Ty’s hiding spots and trying to seek Ty out (which was not fun for the younger boy, he didn’t want to talk about his dead sister.) Worst of all was Tavvy. Tavvy, poor young Tavvy, couldn’t comprehend that Livvy wasn’t coming back. He would cry, asking when Livvy would come home, and Ty wanted to scream, scream that Livvy was never coming home, that she was dead and it was  _ all his fault _ for not being there for his twin. But of course, he didn’t, because Tavvy didn’t deserve his anger. Ty didn’t want to talk to anyone.

Well, anyone but Kit Herondale. Kit was with him when Ty saw Livvy’s body. Kit was there, grounding Ty when he broke down, murmuring comfort in his ear. Kit was there when he needed him and gone when he needed space. Kit had even taken to sleeping outside of Ty’s room, so that on nights like these, nights where he couldn’t escape her ghost, he’d have someone to try to chase away his nightmares. 

Ty shakily climbed out of his bed, detangling his twisted sheets from around his body. He slowly opened to door, meeting the clear blue eyes of the boy sitting against the frame. 

“I…” Ty started. “I had another one. Can you come sit with me?”

Kit nodded, grabbing hold of Ty’s shaking hands. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked gently, sitting next to Ty on his bed.

“Y-yes.” Ty said shakily. “It was… we were back in the Hall, but we were alone. S-s-she was there, she got up, she  _ hugged me _ , and she told me it was my fault. And then she was dead.” Ty started to cry softly. “It’s my fault, it’s all my fault, I should’ve been there, I-”   
Kit cut him off. “It’s not your fault. There’s nothing you could’ve done. Believe me, I know. I know that this is terrible and awful and it feels like you want to die too, just because you miss her so much,  _ I know. _ But it isn’t your fault, Ty. It’s not.” Ty collapsed against Kit, sobbing in earnest. 

“I miss her so much,” he whispered into Kit’s shirt. “I don’t know how to live without her. I’ve never lived in a world without her. How do I do this?”   
Kit hugged Ty close. “There’s no secret, nothing to make this all better, and I’m sorry about that. You live because you have to. You get past your grief because you have to. She wouldn’t have wanted you to be hurting. She would want you to remember her with a smile, to remember everything happy you guys did. She’d want you to be happy.”

An idea struck Ty like lightning. “Is she a ghost?” he asked, his voice electric. “Have you seen her?”   
Kit shook his head, watching Ty’s face fall. “She’s not a ghost, at least as far as I know. She’s gone on to somewhere better. She had no regrets tethering her here. She’s free.”   
Ty felt something inside of himself piece back together at Kit’s kind words. Impulsively, he kissed Kit. He turned his mind off, trying to lose himself in this new feeling.

Kit froze, stunned. Ty tasted of salt and blood, his lips chapped and dry. Although he’d been wanting to kiss the taller boy for a long time, he knew now wasn’t a healthy time for either of them.

Gently, he backed out of the kiss. 

“Ty,” he said softly. “Ty, I know you’re hurting. But trying to distract yourself with m-, um, someone else isn’t healthy. You have to face this head on.”   
“You don’t want me,” Ty said darkly. “No one wants me.”   
Kit stared at him, shocked. “Ty,” he said. “It’s not that I don’t want you. I do, more than you know. I just don’t think you want me. At least, you don’t want me in a healthy way. You want a distraction. You want someone to give you a few hours of forgetting. But I can’t be that for you. All I can be is  _ here _ . I’m here for you, if you need to cry or scream or hit something, I’m here for you if you need to laugh or smile or just talk. But that’s all I can do while you’re grieving. When you’re in a better place, then we can talk about this. But not now.” Ty was silent, mulling over Kit’s words. 

“I… stay with me?” Ty asked, sounding younger than Kit had ever heard him. 

“Of course,” Kit said, starting to move off of the bed into the chair at the desk.

“No,” Ty grabbed Kit’s wrist tightly. “Here. Stay here with me.”   
Kit silently joined Ty in the bed, holding the crying boy until his sobs stopped. He didn’t sleep until Ty’s breath evened out, signaling that he was asleep. Kit was there, just like he promised.

\---

Ty woke up to Kit playing with his hair, lost in thought. He took a moment to just  _ look,  _ to admire the blue eyed boy, to forget for just a moment. Then it all came crashing back.

_ Livvy, no, you can’t be gone. _

His breathing quickened, his eyes scrunched shut, and he felt tears leaking out of them. More than anything, he felt lost and alone. 

A firm grip on his hand jolted him back to reality. He hesitantly opened his eyes to find Kit there, holding his hand, grounding him. After what felt like hours, his breathing slowed down and he stopped crying. Kit never let go.

“Kit.” Ty said, his desperation clear in his voice. “Why did this happen? Why did she have to go?”

Kit looked sad when he answered. “I don’t know, Ty. I wish I did. I miss her too. But I don’t have an answer for you, and I’m sorry.”

Ty took a deep, shuddering breath. “I need to talk to everyone else, don’t I?”

“I’d say so, yeah,” Kit nodded. “But only if you’re ready.”

Ty stood and offered a shaking hand to Kit. “Come with me?” he asked hesitantly.

“Always.”

Ty walked down the halls ramrod straight, looking like a ghost; pale, sad, and beautiful in an unearthly way. Kit followed behind him, silent. Ty stiffened when he walked past Livvy’s closed door and quiet tears started streaming down his face. Kit, still silent, reached out and squeezed Ty’s hand.  

“It’s okay not to be okay,” Kit whispered. “I understand.” Ty gave him a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. They walked together past Livvy’s abandoned room, not looking back.

The first person they saw was Julian. With a murmured reassurance, Kit slipped farther down the hall, pretending to play on his phone. Ty cleared his throat.

“Hi, Julian,” he said, oddly formal. “I am not okay right now. Kit says that’s okay. I miss my sister and-” he broke off into sobs. Julian rushed forward, holding his little brother tight. 

“I miss her too,” he said. “I miss her too.” 

Kit turned away, feeling like he was intruding on them. He walked down a perpendicular hallway, finding himself wished for a brother like Julian. Sure, he and Julian rarely agreed on anything, but his love for his siblings was something that Kit had always wanted. 

Kit knew that Ty would need him again soon, so he didn’t stray far from the two brothers. He sat down under a brightly lit window and shut his eyes, knowing that Ty would seek him out when he was ready.

He didn’t even realize that he had drifted off to sleep until he woke up with his head in Ty’s lap.

“You didn’t look comfortable,” said Ty in lieu of a greeting. “And I didn’t want you to wake up all alone.”

Kit was hit by a rush of affection for the boy.

“Thanks, Ty, that was really sweet of you.” Kit said with a smile. “How’d it go with Julian?”

Ty’s hands started fidgeting, so Kit wordlessly pulled one of Ty’s many fidget toys from his pocket and handed it to the shaking boy. “It went… well? I guess? He’s not mad at me. He doesn’t blame me. And I don’t blame him.” he smiled hesitantly. “That helped a lot, I think. Now I have to go talk to someone else, don’t I?”   
“Only if you’re ready,” Kit responded. “If you’re not, then it can wait. Do this at your own pace.”

Ty ran a hand through Kit’s hair, softly tugging on the ends. “You’re too good. I don’t deserve it.”

Kit sat up at light speed. “What?” he asked, shocked. “Why don’t you think you deserve kindness?”   
Ty got teary again. “Because… because I should’ve been there! We were going to be parabatai! Now what do I do? I should’ve… I could’ve…” he broke off.

“You did all you could. You can’t beat yourself up about this, Ty, because it  _ wasn’t your fault.  _ And you can’t hold on to ‘should’ve’ and ‘could’ve’, because at the end of the day, there’s nothing you could’ve or should’ve done. You did all you could. Trying to imagine different outcomes that would’ve happened if you had some sort of magic powers helps no one, least of all yourself.”   
Ty sniffled. “How are you so calm?” he whispered.

Kit smiled sadly. “We all deal with things differently. This is how I deal.” Ty collapsed against Kit, crying into his shirt. “Shhh, hon, it’s okay, shh. It’s okay.”    
They sat like that in the hallway for a long time.

\---

Eventually, Ty ran out of tears. He disentangled himself from Kit, who had stayed there and let him grieve.    
His stomach rumbled. “I need food. Can you come with me?” Kit nodded, stood, and offered his hand to help Ty up. 

The two boys walked the winding path to the kitchen, which (thankfully) was empty. The Blackthorns rarely ate all together anymore, because all they could focus on was Livvy’s empty seat. So they mostly ate in their rooms, the kitchen, or hidden away in some nook or cranny. 

“What do you want to eat?” Kit asked, sitting on the counter. 

Ty thought for a moment. “I want pancakes. They are… They  _ were  _ Livvy’s favorite. Can you help me make them?”

Kit smiled. “Yeah. I’ll help. C’mon, get a bowl for the batter and I’ll get the flour and stuff. There is flour in pancakes, right?”

Ty giggled, a welcome sound. “Yes, of course there is. Have you never made pancakes before?”   
“Nope!” Kit said cheerfully, popping the ‘p’.

Ty shook his head with a smile. “Well, this just got a little harder, because neither have I.”

“Time to do what I do best,” Kit said, determined. “We wing it.”

“Or,” said Ty, ever logical. “We could just use this recipe?” He held out a sheet of paper.

Kit gave the paper a dirty look. “Recipes, shmecipes. I vote we wing it.”

“You’re overruled.”   
“Damn.”

With that, pancake making commenced. It almost immediately became a disaster. Kit spilled too much flour into the bowl, then attempted to pour it back in the bag, resulting in a huge mess of spilled flour. Ty, who had been getting the sugar, had to stifle laughter.

“What’d you do?” he asked, gesturing to the flour-covered Kit. “Did the flour attack you or something?”

Kit grinned. Then he stepped in and hugged Ty. “There!” he said, pleased with his handiwork. “Now we match!”

Ty took a deep breath and measured out the sugar for the mix. Then he flung some at Kit.

“Oh, it is on, Tiberius,” Kit said, faux serious. 

“You’ll lose, Christopher,” Ty shot back.

Kit grabbed the milk to pour into the bowl. 

“Careful!” chided Ty, grabbing Kit’s hands to stop him from spilling too much into their odd looking mixture of pancake batter. “You’ll screw up the measurements. Here, let me.”   
“I think we’re  _ way  _ past measurements, Ty.” Kit muttered under his breath. Ty handed him the carton of milk, telling him to put it back in the fridge. Instead, he poured some on Ty’s hair. 

Ty shrieked. “That’s cold! What the hell?” Kit just gave Ty a roguish smile.    
“I think I’m winning,” Kit said cheekily.

Grumbling, Ty shoved passed the blond and grabbed an egg from the fridge. Then an idea crossed his mind, and he grabbed two. He cracked one into their ever-evolving bowl of sludge, then cracked one on Kit’s head. He smiled as he watched Kit try to wipe the egg off of his face. 

“You’re not winning anymore,” Ty pointed out smartly. Kit just stuck his tongue out (only to get a mouthful of raw egg). 

While Kit spluttered, Ty calmly started melting the butter. 

“I’ll get you back for this, mark my words,” Kit grumbled.

Ty just smiled pleasantly. “Looking forward to it.”

The rest of the batter making process was hijinks-free (mostly because it involved hot butter, and no one wanted iratzes). Kit heated up the stove and began to cook the pancakes. Ty sat on the one clean part of the counter, swinging his legs. Kit finished up with the first few pancakes quickly, and handed one to Ty. 

“If it tastes like crap, I’m saying you made them,” he warned.

Ty nodded solemnly. “I understand.” Then he bit into the pancake. “Not bad! These actually taste pretty good!”   
Kit gave him a skeptical look. “Really?”

“Really,” Ty reassured him. “Here, taste.” Kit took a bite out of the offered pancake. He chewed thoughtfully. 

“You’re right,” he conceded. “Not bad.” They shared a smile, then Kit went back to frying the pancakes, tongue out in concentration. “This is harder than it looks,” he muttered, a stray bit of flour falling off of his cheek onto the (very messy) counter. 

“What the hell?” the two boys turned at the sound of a shocked voice in the door. “What did you do to my kitchen?” It was Julian, face screwed up in confusion. “Are those… pancakes?” 

Kit gulped. Angry Julian was scary Julian. “Yes. And the mess is my fault. Um, sorry.” He concluded lamely. 

Ty stood up. “Mine too, also sorry.” 

“This is feeling like an ‘I am Spartacus’ moment, so I’m just going to leave the room and when I come back, it better be clean.” Julian shook his head as he walked away, seemingly defeated.

The two boys met each other's eyes- then burst into laughter. 

“I think-” Ty broke off into giggles. “I think we both lose.”

Kit tried to stop laughing. “We have to clean up now,” he said, still smiling.

“I’ll take the counters if you clean the floor,” Ty said. 

“Deal.”

They worked in companionable silence, and soon enough, the kitchen was back to the way they had found it. Ty was looking at the pile of pancakes strangely, like he was counting them.

“We have enough for everyone, right?” he asked.

Kit did a quick mental count. 

_...twelve… thirteen… fourteen… _

“We have twenty-four, so everyone can have three.” Kit confirmed. “Why?”

Ty took a breath. “I think we should have a family dinner.”

Kit smiled at him reassuringly. “You go get everyone,” he said. “I’ll set the table.”

With that, Ty was out the door, and Kit got to work.

\---

“Dru?” Ty said, knocking on his sister’s door. “Are you there?”

A startled-looking Dru opened the door. “Ty?” she asked. “What’s up?” She discreetly tried to wipe the tears off of her cheeks. 

“Can you..” Ty took a deep breath and tried again. “Can you come to dinner? KitandImadepancakesandImissyouandeveryoneand-”   
Dru dragged Ty into a hug. “Of course. I’ll be right down, lemme just grab Tavvy. Are you gonna get everyone else?”

Ty nodded. 

“Good. This is a good idea, Ty,” Dru said gently. “Thank you.”

\---

The next person he came across was Mark, who was sitting in a window frame, feet dangling out into open air. 

“Mark?” he asked softly. “Can you come to dinner? I want to be a family again, even if it’s only for today,”

Mark looked at him, his two-toned eyes glinting with sadness. “Yes. I will come. Are you inviting everyone else?”   
“I’m going to try,” Ty answered. 

“Cristina and Emma are on the roof and I believe Julian to be in his studio.”   
Ty smiled. “Thank you,” he said. “I’ll see you in a little bit.”

\---

Ty climbed the ladder up to the roof quickly, not wanting to waste time. He scanned the roof, searching for the two girls. They were sitting near the edge, staring out at the ocean. 

“Emma? Cristina?” Ty called hesitantly.

“What’s up, Ty?” Emma responded.

“Can you guys come eat dinner with us?”

Emma was uncharacteristically silent. Cristina took her hand and nodded.

“Yes,” she said firmly. “We’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Thank you,” Ty said, almost smiling.

\---

_ Only Julian left,  _ Ty thought, anxious.  _ It’ll be fine, he’ll say yes. _

He knocked on the door to Julian’s studio and waited. Julian answered the door, a paintbrush behind his ear and paint all over his shirt. 

“What’s the matter, Ty?” Julian asked, picking up on Ty’s anxiety. “Is something wrong?”   
“Um…” Ty started. “Can you, um, canyoucometodinner? Everyoneelseiscomingandi-”   
“Ty!” Julian laughed a little. “Slow down! I can’t understand you, can you run that by me again?”   
Ty took a deep breath. “Can you come to dinner? Everyone else is coming but it won’t be the same without y-” Julian cut Ty off again with a smothering hug.

“Of course.” he said. “Thank you for thinking of this, Ty. Thank you.” He released his little brother. “Here, I’ll walk down with you. Let me just put away my paintbrush.”

Half a minute later, the pair was walking down to the dining room, where everyone else was already waiting. 

Julian took his seat at the head of the table, and Ty sat down next to Livvy’s empty chair. He noticed that Kit was missing, and frowned.

Ty cleared his throat. “Happy family dinner, I guess? Kit and I made pancakes, you each can have three.”

With that, everyone picked up their food and started talking to one another. There were smiles on everyone’s faces for the first time in weeks. Ty was still looking around for Kit, who had seemingly disappeared. 

He got up, excusing himself to go get some water, and walked into the kitchen, looking for Kit. And lo and behold, there he was, leaning against the counter, lost in thought.

“Kit!” Ty said, startling the blonde. “Why aren’t you eating with us?” 

Kit shook his head, hair falling in his eyes. “I’m not… I’m not part of your family. I can’t go in there and pretend. I’m sorry, Ty.”

Ty tried not to appear as crestfallen as he felt. “I understand. But you’re still welcome to join us, Kit, and I wish you would. But I get it if you can’t.”

Kit turned away to hide his tears. “I’m sorry, Ty. I just don’t think I fit in with you guys, and I don’t want to hang out where I don’t belong. You guys don’t need me there. I-” Ty cut him off with a tight hug.

“You’re wrong, Christopher. You belong. You’re a part of our family.” His voice was muffled in Kit’s shirt. “And you’re even more wrong if you think we don’t need you. I need you.  _ I need you.  _ Who else is going to sit outside my door in case I need him? Who else is going to hold me so I can just cry? Who else is letting me grieve the way  _ I  _ need to? Who else is indulging me when I feel like making pancakes at 8 PM, because I want to feel closer to my dead sister?  _ Who else,  _ Kit?” Kit looked at Ty in stunned silence, his lips slightly parted. 

Ty decided to be impulsive again. He closed the small gap between the two of them, pressing their lips together. This time, Kit didn’t pull away. He responded, lips moving against Ty’s, his hands tangling in Ty’s pitch black hair. After a long minute, they both pulled away, breathing hard. 

“Come sit with us,” Ty pleaded, grabbing hold of Kit’s hand. “Please.”

Kit nodded, still in a daze from kissing Ty. He followed the taller boy into the dining room and sat down next to Ty, on the opposite side of Livvy’s empty chair. It didn’t feel right to sit there so soon. Not when echoes of her still surrounded all of them. Not when her absence shot a hole through everything they knew. 

Ty discreetly held Kit’s hand the whole time, and did his best to engage Kit in the conversation. Unfortunately, it was a story with too many proper nouns and unfamiliar terms, the kind of story that you had to be there in order to understand. So, Kit zoned out a little, focusing on how Ty came alive, eyes dancing, smiling, when he was telling a story about a happier time (and Kit found himself falling even harder). 

Kit realized that he’d do anything to keep Ty like that, happy and alive in a way that Kit hadn’t seen in weeks. 

\---

After dinner, Kit and Ty went to Ty’s room, because some of the others had offered to clean up. 

“So,” Ty began awkwardly, after closing his bedroom door. “Relationship etiquette dictates that we should talk about what happened? If you’re okay with that?”   
Kit smirked. “Yeah, sure. Okay, so you kissed me, I kissed back, I  _ really  _ like you, and I’m- correct me if I’m wrong- assuming you like me? Did I get everything?”   
Ty flushed. “More or less. I just have a few questions. First, are we dating?”   
“Um,” Kit was flustered. “I guess if you want to?”   
This time, it was Ty who smirked. “Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?” he said cheekily.

Kit rolled his eyes. “Yes. Will you, Tiberius Nero Blackthorn, give me the honor of courting you?”

Ty giggled. “Yes. I will.” he smiled. “Next question. PDA? I don’t think I’d be a huge fan of it.”   
“Whatever makes you comfortable,” Kit said. “I’m okay with as far as you’re willing to go.”

Ty nodded, seemingly reassured. “Should we tell the others?” he asked, anxiety back in his voice.

“If you want,” Kit said gently. “I’m okay with it, but if you’re not, we can keep it under wraps for as long as you want. I just want you to be happy.”

Ty smiled sadly. “Last question. It’s not betraying Livvy, is it? Being happy when she’s gone? Being able to smile even though she can’t?”   
“It’s not.” Kit replied firmly. “She’d want you to be happy. She’d want you to remember her and smile, because she loved you. She’d never want you to grieve her forever. She’d want you to move past this and remember her as she was.”

Ty sniffled. He laid down on his bed, patting the spot next to him. “Come sit with me?” he asked hesitantly. “Stay with me?”

“Always.”

\---

**Author's Note:**

> i live off of comments and kudos
> 
> have a nice day!


End file.
